Meditation Experiences

From me, these were I felt and learned from meditation class by Rima

 

For more than 10 years, I have worked in the Non Government Organization (NGO’s) field. Currently I am employed by one of International Faith Based Organization. Having different faith with the organization where I am belong to has stimulated me to have another thought that serving people and doing good things are beyond the faith we hold.

The focus of my works which dealing with disaster both natural and man-made (conflict), has exposed myself to the risks of being influenced by the negative energy. At the time disaster strikes, the chaos is present at the individual and community level. Peoples are easy to get angry and impatient because they are suffered and helpless. In the other hand, I am the type person who always to have a high achievement. The higher I can achieve something the better I feel about myself. I put myself and my colleagues in the pressure to assist the people in high quality of service. 

I believe when I put my willingness into the action to help the people means I share my positive energy. But imbalance condition between the positive and energy negative had resulted to my physical complaints including headache, chest problems, hemorrhoids, back and eyelids pain. These complaints had been intensified for the last 4 months. I often got angry and disappointed because of the work I did not like but I had to do it. I was overwhelmed with the situation. The climax point was when I felt that I was not able to think clear anymore. Fortunately I was still able to think that I needed to search for help. With the recommendation of my best friend, I decided to join this meditation class. 

One of the hardest times here was when I had to hand over voluntarily the book that I was reading to the assistant. Before I gave it to him, I tried to read the pages as much as I could. Actually this kind of situation had been informed by my friend. I said to her that I can survive without talking, writing, stocking the food and eating fish/chicken/meat/egg. But not reading book, I thought I would feel empty. In fact I was fine with that (at least for a week). One thing I learn from this exercise is that the dependence to book has wanted me to hold it forever while it is not always there. 

“Seeing Pak Merta is a must”. That is one of my goal statements coming here. In the first and second days, I was worried that I had no chance to see him as many of my friends also wanted to see him and I was sure he wouldn’t have enough time to accommodate all of our consultation. For that, I came to the assistant to make sure that everyone, off course me, could see him. I felt release when he said that everyone will have chance. However, list of my questions became less and less each day. And by the 5th days, I had no any questions anymore. Pak Merta has answered them through having meditation and preaching. The wonderful thing for me was when Pak Merta delivered his preaching, some questions have raised in my mind, but in the following minutes, he has answered them directly. I felt fear and amazed simultaneously. Fear because I was afraid he could read my mind; and amazed because knowing that the energy was connected.

I believe I will not forget this meditation, because the joy I got when I finally found my memories which contributed to my physical complaints I said above. It is true that it is so painful to feel that situation again. And it was just pop-up when I concentrated and felt the changes in the part of body. I have been looked for and questioned myself so long for the memories behind my complaints. I thought this might come from the pressure in my works, but it is not. I’ve never thought the small things were behind of all this. Because I thought there were small things, I thought I have forgotten it.  

The situation when I was six years old was appeared when I concentrated and felt the changes in my head and eyelids. It pictured exactly the same as it was. My mother called me in the afternoon from the veranda while I was playing with my friends. It was around 5 PM and her call meant that I had to take a shower. I understood that she was upset with me because I had been called many times but I did not come to her. When I came home, she took me to the bathroom with her upset and anger. I felt she showered and cleaned my hair harshly, until I said please stopped, please stopped, please stopped. I was crying and felt my eyes became red and smarting. (That is why I am so lazy when it comes to clean my hair until today).

When I concentrated and felt the changes in my chest, it was pictured the incident four years a go. As usual I had exercise at 5.AM by running around the city. After passing the intersection, someone from motorcycle tried to grab my breast from the right side. I was so damn angry and I thought He was going to rape me. I felt so humiliated and I wished he got accident. 

During meditation, I felt my face was so hot, red and my breathing was so heavy. It was the same feeling I felt when the incident took place. That is why I really like one of the style in our meditation class exercise i.e. open your arm to left and right side with the fist. It symbolizes my anger and desire to fight with that man. 

I got my hemorrhoids last year. Previously,s I was not able to recall how this has come to me because I have eaten food properly and so far I have never difficulties to the toilet and I have enough exercise. Then again I focused and felt the changes in my hemorrhoids during meditation the in the fourth day. It just pop-up the situations last year when I needed to clean my late beloved mother hemorrhoids in the hospital and watching her painful. I was so helpless and felt guilty. (Actually her sickness is Leukimia). I wept during meditation until I did not longer feel the pain in my leg and back which usually annoyed me.

Having meditation in the day 3rd and 4th were difficult and painful, but having open meditation was not easy as well. In fact it was really difficult. When Pak Merta announced that we were going to have open meditation which meant the students would be able to meditate the longest she/he could do it. I felt excited about this and I said to myself, I could do it for 2 hours. When he said that THIS WAS NOT COMPETITION, my head nodded. I said to myself yes, this was not a competition. In the contrary these words have driven me to have a competition. In the first and last ten minutes of meditation, this statement was so strong hanging in my mind. I have tried very hard to focus to feel my breathing and changing in my body. It worked. But every time I heard my friend got up, my mind said “see, you were win”. I was almost frustrated because it was so difficult to bring my mind back. To end the game with my mind, I decided to let myself losing and I opened my eyes. I saw several friends (probably 8-10 persons) were still there. Disappointed, jealous and astonished were mix in my heart. I felt disappointed because I could not keep myself sitting longer while my friends were able to do that. And I felt astonished because I was able to let myself losing the game with all my awareness.

 

Till now, I am still wondering, why Pak Merta said that magic statement and why he designed the program of open meditation. Probably he wanted us to feel our ambition to be always No 1. Accepting the win and lose as part of our life with all our awareness. There is always risk to become a winner and loser. And I think that is one of the task of Guru i.e. Putting the students in the risk so that she/he can find her/his own way to survive in this daily life with full of awareness.

 

Rima

(Usada Tapa Brata I Baturiti student)