Meditation Experiences

I learned to let go and move on by PS


I read about Pak Mertha Ada through an advertisement I read in Bali Advertiser in 1999 and then joined my first Tapa Brata (noble silence meditation week) without having had any prior experience in meditation. I had been suffering from severe back pain due to scoliosis and had read that meditation was one of the ways to help ease the pain.

In 1999 I was going through my divorce process with my ex husband who was Dutch and living in Holland. I had married him in 1993 in Bali and in 1996 his work contract in Jakarta expired and he wanted to return to Holland. I owned and managed a graphic design company in Bali and he asked me to close it so I could join him in Holland. As I would lose my source of income, I was hesitant to close my company, but my ex assured me that he would support me financially for a year if we were to separate or divorce; he put it in writing and it was legitimized at the Dutch embassy. So, I finally closed my company and left for Holland with him in 1996.

In 1999 my (then) husband and I separated and in the process we fought about the “alimony” he had promised to provide me before I closed my company and about certain goods that we owned together. My husband did not want to deliver his promise.

Since I was upset I wanted to make the divorce for him difficult, and wanted him to provide the financial support he promised before I agreed to the divorce. 

The anger, frustration and hatred I had for him at the time felt like a great burden on my shoulders and as a result my back pain became severe. One day, due to a disc bulge in my lumbar area, I ended up being hospitalized because my right leg became “paralysed”. After this incident I had to wear a back brace and could not bend down or even walk properly for 3 months.


This was the condition I was in when I joined my first Tapa Brata in 1999. I was expecting to better manage my stress through meditation. And at the end of the Tapa Brata week this was achieved, but even more important, through “loving kindness meditation” I learned to forgive my ex husband and to not have any attachment to the financial support that he initially promised. I learned to let go and move on.

When my ex was going to send my things from Holland back to Bali in 1999, he asked me if he should send also a big oil painting that belonged to my mother. I knew that it was his favorite, so I gave it to him, for his “friendship and support” throughout the years we were together. He was touched…he too forgave me, and we have remained good friends until today.

Now after 4 Tapa Brata part 1 and 2 Tapa Brata part 2, I have learnt so much: loving kindness, awareness, non attachment, patience and acceptance for all that comes along my path. I have also learnt to proactively heal my ailments.

Pak Mertha once said that “life is a game/competition (“pertandingan”)”. We need to prepare ourselves to win the fight and meditation prepares us mentally and physically. 

For me, meditation is also a way to listen to my inner wisdom, it is the key to the greatest treasure we have inside us.


PS ( This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. )

Participant of TBI 1999, 2005, 2006, 2008 and TB II 2007 and 2008