“Meditation?? Seriously??” by Matthew – Bali Usada Health Meditation

written by Matthew Kaharudin“There’s no way in hell I’m doing that. Spend my holiday MEDITATING? Without talking to anyone, without phones, no eating meat, and no reading or writing? For an entire week? Nice joke.”

That was me when I first heard about this Bali Usada Meditation retreat. A lot can change in a year. Actually, a lot can change in just a week.

Spirituality, chi, chakra, healers and black magic were all just fiction to me. Whoever believed in them I just thought were deluded.

But I knew meditative benefits were gaining scientific credibility, so I did give it a shot. “I could just meditate on my own. No need to waste my life at some retreat for hippies” , I thought (no offence to anyone at the retreat… I was super ignorant). When I started out though, I kept losing focus or falling asleep. It takes effort to meditate, and I didn’t care enough to push through the hard part of starting out. I didn’t recognize the need to meditate that much anyway. I was used to my life as it was, so I gave it up just like that. Why bother if everything’s fine, right?

That was almost about a year ago. Since then, I’d like to believe that I’ve changed. I spent a LOT of time dreaming and reflecting. It made me realize that I’ve lived in a box my entire life. A very comfortable box, where I took everything I had for granted.

I not only always had food, I usually always got to choose what I eat, when I wanted it, and however much I wanted. And of course, I always have someone else to cook my meals for me.

I’ve become so averse to discomfort that I became an expert weasel:

“Don’t feel like going for tennis training today. I guess I have a flu now!”

“I’m not ready for that presentation later. I’ll get my mom to write me a parent’s letter to say I can’t go to school.”

“This camp is gonna be so uncomfortable and boring, I’ll go get an mc so I can stay home.”

I never had a drive to just do things. I missed out on so many opportunities to learn new stuff, do something different, meet new people, and especially get over challenges.

So I decided to take a trip alone. I thought it would be therapeutic and cathartic to learn to meditate somewhere as well. I figured I could combine my trip with the Usada Meditation I heard about a year ago. That checked all the boxes of my to-do list. It would be kinda challenging, I’d be independent, meet new people and learn something new and useful.

So that was the incipience of my very first solo trip. Jumping straight to the retreat; I was so worried at the beginning. Being a vegetarian, refraining from talking, using our phones, reading and writing for a week was pretty daunting to me. I got stressed out, but I was glad I had a challenge to face for once.

Some of the accommodations

The place was alright. It was quaint and green. My room was plain. I didn’t expect aircon, but I did expect a fan. My expectations were not met. I started sweating after the first minute of unpacking.

The entire camp was infested with bugs, obviously. Flies buzzed around my ears, other things crawled up my legs and you couldn’t walk 10 metres without getting bitten by mosquitoes. Before long the whole camp smelt like mosquito repellent, and we sat down at the meditation hall cross-legged. After the first 20 minutes of our daily 6 hour meditation, my legs were already begging me to get out of there.

Even though the temperature in the day didn’t feel much different from Singapore, I had to wear long sleeves and pants while meditating to not get pissed off by the flies and bugs. It was a choice between sweat and bugs. I chose sweat.

The times when I did manage to sit still, my mind wouldn’t stay quiet. “I wonder what’s going on back home. Wait did anyone end up coming to Bali for DWP? Hmm I don’t think so. Shit! I’m supposed to focus on breathing. Then I start monitoring my breath and I realize my right nostril isn’t working. “I wonder if I should do that surgery. My appointment to see the Dr. again is next month. Oh I also have an appointment next week, and I have to edit those photos in my camera. Wait, SHUT UP!”

That’s where we meditate most of the time.

One time I got peace for a few minutes, and felt calm and comfortable. Then my head started tipping over, my body followed suit and my head almost hit the ground. “Shit I can’t believe I fell asleep.”.

During breaks I couldn’t write about my thoughts, which was the worst part for me. Most people I spoke to afterwards felt it was calm and relaxing. But me, I wanted to scream. I had to resort to talking to chickens. Just kidding, we weren’t allowed to talk to chickens either.

For two days I just sucked it all up, but kept wondering “If I call a grab, will they even drive up into this place in the middle of nowhere?”

On day 3, the main teacher, Pak Merta Ada shows up. He spoke about how he would scan all of us and teach us how to heal our ailments. Obviously I was skeptical. To be honest I didn’t even know I signed up for a health meditation retreat specifically.

He explained that for 785 or something sessions he had been teaching people to meditate to cure issues like paralyses, skin conditions, constant agonizing pains wherever, etc. when doctors all over the world couldn’t.

Then I got excited. He could teach me about how to psych myself into being more accepting of people or how to be less picky with my food!

When I was called to see him, I was half asleep during a meditation session, groggy, tired, with my mind erased of everything I intended to ask him.

I stared at him. You wot m8. I expected to have these illnesses for the rest of my life, and never expected a cure for them. And there he was, saying I just had to focus on two organs while meditating. Well, I was stuck there and had nothing better to do, so I tried.

After a bit of practice, I actually started to feel my heart in my mind, and felt the piercing pain only when it was in focus. I stopped meditating, and the pain went away too. It was weird.

So I started to do what I was told. We were taught to approach pain like it was just an impermanent phase of life like anything else. “Anicca”. Everything is changing, everything is in process. I observed the pain, recognized its impermanence with gentleness, so I could carry on.

Before I knew it, the pain got better. I started to understand why remnants of my depression hadn’t been cured. I realized that I didn’t show enough care for the people in my life even though deep down, I wanted to. Then I realized, “oh shit it isn’t just some people, it’s practically everyone.” The realization felt like a knife that had just been taken out of my heart. Not really. I don’t know what that feels like obviously, but you get the idea.

“Holy shit this is so cool”! So i spent more hours observing the physical sensations of my heart.

A major part of what sparked my depression was over-attachment. I think through the retreat I realized why. After taking out the first ‘knife’ out of my heart, i felt better, but i wasn’t done.

What came to my mind next was something I haven’t thought about for a long time. Meditating dragged it out of the sea of unconscious thoughts and into my little island of my conscious mind.

I thought about my monkey dolls from when I was a kid. I brought them with me absolutely everywhere. I vividly remember a traumatic time when we were flying to singapore from jakarta. I had to put them in the airport scanner, I was screaming and crying, but my mom told me I could see them through the x ray and it would be okay.

Also, when I first learned about termites and how they ate and destroyed things, i got so paranoid for weeks thinking they would eat my monkeys.

Ahh kids… So silly.

Even now, I know exactly which drawer of my room in Jakarta they’re in. I act like they would always be there if i need a shot of nostalgia. The point is, i thought they would last forever but they don’t and i won’t.

Unfortunately, neither do some relationships or friendships. We can’t love someone and think that it would last forever. Everything changes. You do. They do. Feelings do. Losing people or things that are important to us always sucks. But we have to know how to deal with it when the time comes. It’s about having the mental flexibility towards change.

One thing we always do with things that we love; we take them for granted.

We say we know this and we don’t need to be told again, so we don’t think about it much. We just chuck it aside as a phrase we know, but don’t practice it. But the thing is, we don’t fully understand it. We are barely even mindful of what we do every day.

“Oh wow it’s December already? Where did the year go? What did I even do?” There’s a reason we keep asking these questions again and again. We aren’t mindful.

We’re so comfortable and used to just getting by day by day. We are carried by the inertia of our habits, and these habits become cemented into our actions. Habits of not caring about your family and friends enough, especially.

I thought I knew this concept. But it took me this week of meditation to really start putting it into practice. It clarified what i wanted to do so deeply, and I’m so grateful for it.

I developed a couple of other personal insights as well, but I think what’s more important is to discuss the end of the week, when the silence was finally lifted.

I don’t particularly like talking to strangers. But man, it felt good then. For the first time ever I went up to strangers, smiled, said “hello”, and genuinely want to get to know them. It was so enriching to learn about the lives of people all over the world, doing all kinds of things for a living.

I was really humbled to hear about other people’s lives; how they lost someone they loved, how they are suffering, or how they worked through unimaginable difficulty to succeed, only to realize that they weren’t truly happy.

Another one of our retreat mates (for the lack of a better phrase) had psoriasis, an illness that i know cant be cured. How showed us how his skin actually started to clear up within the week. I have friends who have it, I’ve seen it, and I didn’t think it was possible for such a thing to happen.

I wouldn’t usually say that things have the ability to wrap everything nicely with a neat little ribbon. I’m actually cynical and skeptical of most things.

“Matt, eating less sugar and carbs will make you less tired!”

“No stop trying to change my habits, I’m fine! All that is just placebo!” And then I proceed to take a three hour nap after my lunch.

But I can honestly say, that I’m pretty sure everyone who went to the retreat with me came out of there more whole than before. And some of those people have gone through things I can’t even imagine.

I get how a lot of people don’t meditate because they don’t understand it. Or don’t bother learning about it. From what I understand, it allows you to really connect with your inner being, with your chakras and energies inside your bodies, and also help to understand yourself on a much deeper, unconscious level.

There is so much to be gained from meditation. I’m not here to explain it deeply (yet). I’m writing this to implore you to at least consider it. I’m literally doing this because I’ve seen how immensely helpful it can be. Not just helpful, life-changing.

There are tons of guided meditations online that you could try. If you have the discipline to. Or you could go for a retreat and be forced to meditate! Take a week off, go to Bali, change your life, learn to be happy and healthy, and go back home with happiness you never even thought was possible. Then you’ll be telling everyone you know about Bali Usada too.